I know, I know. I should be counting my blessings every day and know how lucky I am. I should realize that this won't last forever and that when it is all said and done, things will be better. I should be thankful for healthy children. I should be thankful for generous relatives. I should be thankful we have a roof over our heads.
But that's not how I feel.
I feel jipped. I feel out of place. I feel sad. I feel unsettled. I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff looking down and there is no way out.
No, my thoughts aren't suicidal. They are just crazed. I look at people all the time. Do they have a job? What do they do that they have that nice car? Go on that fancy vacation? Buy that nice furniture or have their floors redone? Do they have to count pennies at the grocery store? (not by the looks of what's in their cart, they don't!) Has life always been easy for them? Is this the way they thought their lives would be? Do they believe in God? How come they are so abundently blessed? Why aren't I? Why do I have to look at the intangibles for my blessings? Why do I have to pray the same prayer 24/7?
I have $40 to my name for the next 2 weeks. I also have a free movie ticket. But what I really want is freedom. Freedom to go to the grocery store and buy a few extras. To fill my cart at Costco and not worry if my purchase will be approved or not. To fill the car up with gas. To go out to dinner for the heck of it. To just enjoy some of life's tangible pleasures with out feeling the guilt that I am taking food out of our mouths. Or that an overdraft will occur and there goes another $35 bucks that we don't have. I just want to feel normal.
I get it. Life isn't fair. We somehow "got" ourselves into this situation. But I so want out of it. And I am at such a loss. I apply for jobs, get interviews. Not many are hiring. When we were unemployed the first time, I took it with a grain of salt. I was pregnant (otherwise known as "the great distractor"). I also thought we had paid our dues. I guess I was wrong.
I have things I am thankful for. But until our situation improves, my head is going to be spinning and worrying. And wondering.
Every second of the day and night.